Lust Is Power

its been about 2 years since I have been on here. to make everything short and sweet I will give you a recap. about 2 years ago I met Ryan and we dated for 6 months then one night I got drunk and accidentally sent a snap saying I don’t love Ryan to him. I felt so guilty that he loved me so much and I couldn’t reciprocate those same feelings back. we then took a break for 2 months and 2 weeks before he moved to different state we started chatting again. we became friends after a break and a week before he moved, I was sexually assaulted by  a 3rd party we both know. Ryan was there for me when I wasn’t there for him. he moved away for 9 months and during that time we talked and flirted but we never committed but he finally moved back after 10 months. today we have been together for 2+ years. tonight I am very sad. I wanted to hurt myself and was getting into a very bad mindset. lately I go from loving him a lot to not loving him at all. I decided to reach out to him to maybe make me feel better but he did not help at all. I think I still love him but lately I have been irritated because he gets handsy when I don’t want to and he sometimes doesn’t take my “no” seriously. I know I’m not easy to deal with but I just don’t feel 100% in it right now. im honestly not sure if I can live with him for the rest of my life. he does somethings that drive me crazy. he never picks up after himself. he leaves shit out on the counter like cold foods or dirty dishes or food he needs to put away after making and then its wasted. he leaves his nearly empty water bottles in my car and makes it a mess. that drives me nuts but he swears im not any better when I beg to differ. I guess this is it for the night. I think im upset because lately I have been house sitting various houses for 2 months and I just feel an identification issue since I haven’t been home in 2 months. living out of a suitcase and in places that arnt mine makes me feel like I don’t belong. im not in my usual setting and I guess its just getting to me. thank you. good night. also something that drives me crazy is that Ryan uses “I love you” a lot. I feel bad because sometimes I don’t feel like saying it because I don’t want to over use it. and if I don’t say it back he will get upset. so yeah. the end. I also have had the same sore throat for 3 weeks and its getting so annoying I just want my tonsils removed.

I have accepted the fact that I dont have friends. I understand what it’s like to be truely lonely. Its becoming winter and that means even more isolation will come. I think im changing and im both proud and afraid. Im proud because I dont have to depend on anyone and im satisfied with that. im afraid because I can feel the darker days coming and its sad to be alone. My family uses me for house work. I do have to blame myself a little. Im a full time high school student, taking a college class, having 2 jobs and trying to fit in things I like. I did kinda set myself up for this.

Its been a long time since I have been on here. Lately I have been thinking about him. A year ago around this time was right when we were fall in for each other. I have been thinking about him all the time. I hate my self when I think about him but I cant stop. I reread our text and I just wanted to text him. I wanted to have a heart to heart. But he isn’t like that. He is so introvert it drives me crazy. God he was the last person I kissed. Almost a year ago he was the last person I kissed. He has matured so much and looks so handsome. We have activity together and idk if im teasing myself or if im just being Cruel about looking but not touching of what I cant have. I miss him but its for the good I guess.